Trust

by Poca Cosa

lost

I fear I have stepped out of line and now have lost my trust in Him. I know that I had a strong feeling to check a while ago but didn’t want to because I was scared. Scared to know what I might find and scared that my fears would come true I am lost right now and dont know what to do. My heart tells me to confront and communicate with him but my instincts are telling me to run away and send Him to Hell! He broke my trust and I feel I need an explanation.

I did a bad thing, a stupid thing, but I wanted to know….Since I met Dom I stopped looking. I stopped looking at other men and stopped considering the possibility of having another man in my Life. He makes me happy, sitting on the couch having meals together, playing together. I even have met his friends and family now. But I dont know if I can get passed all that now. I went online to the http://www.bdsmsingles.com, the site that lead us to find each other. A site where singles into kinky things can met, just like eharmony or match.com only better! You right away now that you’re compatible in meeting and feeding that hungry desire that you so wish to have quenched.

I went online, and reactivated my account. I deactivated it as soon as I met him. I knew He would make me happy and I was ok with that. Now I dont know what to do. I went online and looked at his profile…He still has his. He was online so early as last week. Glad it wasn’t last night or 12 hours ago or something because it really would have hurt…but seriously….a week ago. Am I not enough? Am I not what He is looking for?

I know I am going slow and maybe it’s His fault for not training me as well as He would like. But this is not my fault. No, I will not take the blame for something like this! I have given him myself. I have given him anything that He has asked of me and more. I want to make him happy. I want to make sure his needs are met. I’m new and haven’t been doing BDSM for more than a couple of months and it’s all been with Him. I’m hurt. I’m really reallllly hurt by all this. I dont know if I can move on ask and possible have to let go. I know in order to get over this I am going to have to. I am going to have to confront him and ask Him what the hell he is doing!

This is not fair. Then again what is fair in love? We still haven’t had sex. But I have been open and have been nice to him. I didn’t receive any message back from him last night when I got home and told him I wanted to try something new. I know he worked late but for him to not reply and not care is odd. Something has made me look and see what he is being up to and I dont like this. I dont like this at all. My trust is ruined. I dont know if he is looking for a play mate for me, it is a fantasy to have another young girl come in so I can play with her and he instructs me to, but he’s profile is still the same as when I met him. I dont know if I can trust him anymore! This is heartbreaking. Truly heart breaking.

I have given myself to him entirely given him the pleasure to do whatever He wishes to me, he introduced electric shock the other week, I slept over last sunday I slept over two days ago. Every chance that I can get to be with him I am doing so. Once again I am alone on this because no one knows my dark side, not even my closest friends. He knows all my secrets and desires, he knows what I crave and he fed it lovingly and kindly. Now I feel I have been played for a fool. Given him my innocence and trust and myself to Him, to be His to care for protect and cherish. He has ruined things, my beautiful bubble is shattered to a thousand pieces because He is still looking for another to play with.

I should have asked him when I left yesterday morning, I should have asked whose new shirts those were hanging in his closet. He had just boughten me new lingerie because I didnt want to wear what He had, I was afraid it belonged to someone else and dont want to be wearing it if it did belong to someone else or if someone else is wearing it for that matter. Two other pieces are hanging in his closet, I requested to have a drawer for my belongings and a place to have some yoga pants and work out clothes for when I’m there. Now I know I should have asked him.

What would you do?

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